I met four brothers, who had bonded through their years of growing up, but then differences and quarrels began. They are now divided, some not even on talking terms, and they all blame it on money. Money is the villain of good relationships, many argue, even if they privately admit that it is the hero of good living.
Shared experiences form the foundation of most relationships. Siblings enjoy the advantage of several such experiences during their growing years. However, many of us are oblivious to the impact of experiences outside the family. The world offers many unique experiences and perceptions that shape us differently. As we go through school, college, work, marriage, family and other lifestage changes, we move away from the siblings we grew up with. We can romanticise the nostalgic memories, and connect with care and affection that hold us together, but we are different people, walking different paths.
Money has the power to magnify these differences and manifest in ugly forms after the siblings have become financially independent, earning, spending and leading their own financial lives. Let’s make a list of things we could ponder about.
First, can we identify our limits to generosity? All of us aspire to be better versions of ourselves, and deny our inner demons. We love the appreciation that good, selfless, helpful deeds bring, but then we begin to extend ourselves, hoping to be more generous than we actually are. We invite someone over, and tire of taking care of them, or we go out to spend a few days with someone and dislike the compromises in the quality of the journey. When resentment sets in, we should know we are trying to be more generous, loving and giving than we truly are.
Second, can we recognise that others need agency to lead their lives? The siblings who step in and solve problems for the others, imagine that they are being helpful. Paying college fees, sharing wedding expenses, and coming in to make the life of the other better, seem like acts of love. Every unsolicited help is an insult to the independence of the person receiving it. The giver can gloat about it, but the recipient might prefer to deal with his life himself, taking charge and living with pride and selfesteem. Making assumptions about what is good for the other might not always be the wise thing to do.
Third, how well can we identify behaviours of entitlement and scheming? When one sibling is better off than the others, it is common for others to feel entitled to the former’s wealth. ‘It is easy for them to do this small thing.’ ‘It won’t dent their wealth.’ ‘Why can’t we as siblings benefit a little?’ These are all justifications that might run. When financial differences are a given, it is critical to recognise that the better-off sibling has the power to decide how, how much, and when he is willing to share his wealth. Any greed, desire or entitlement is most likely to sour the relationship, even if both parties take time to find out when things go wrong.Fourth, can we step back and stop determining how the other must lead his financial life? The four brothers I spoke about earlier were extremely judgemental about how others were leading poor financial lives. He spends too much; he is too stingy; he wastes money; his kids don’t have to go to that expensive school; that renovation was needless; he doesn’t need a new car; why did the wedding have to be so ostentatious? The list was long. I persuaded them to talk about their personal finances instead. However, each one spent a disproportionate time commenting on the other’s finances. This habit is as toxic as gossip. Even if it is a sibling, judging someone’s money habits is in poor taste.Fifth, is it really necessary to be lenders and borrowers within the family? There is a popular saying that when you lend to a friend or family member, you lose both the money and the relationship. Given the widespread availability of personal loans and credit cards today, informal loans may no longer be needed. If you must cede a request for money, give an amount you won’t care about losing. Refer to point one to determine that amount. If that is not possible, lend without interest, a favour to the relationship. Behaving like a money lender is obnoxious in this day and age.
Sixth, isn’t comparing one’s life with another’s ruinous to happiness? Siblings suffer comparison right from childhood. One brother is better in studies than the other; one is more accomplished in sports or music; or one earns more than the other. Jealousy and envy spoil relationships much more than money. It is a disease and many can’t do much about it. Accepting one’s life for what it holds, and acknowledging that one rich sibling is not making the other poor, is tough. There is enough work to do with our state of income, expense, saving and investment to spend disproportionate time on others’ lives.
Seventh, can we practice giving with grace so that relationships are not affected severely? The better-off siblings tend to step up and take care of financial situations that can be tough for the other. However, some make the mistake of talking about it in public and, worse, reminding the recipient of the favours done to them. Giving and receiving makes the relationship unequal if it is one-sided. Such situations need sensitivity and discretion. Keeping the transaction private is a rule broken in many families, leading to disputes. Making money the source of power, and seeking subservience and deference, spoils many relationships.
Eighth, do we fail to see the emotions associated with financial transactions? Siblings take it upon themselves to show the mirror to the other. That works when the relationship is strong enough to take the burden of the truth. Most prefer denial. An indebted sibling is likely to hide it from the other. Sometimes solutions offered to openly discuss problems may be tough to implement. At other times, the behaviour of spouse or children may be questioned, making it uncomfortable to discuss. A financial problem is not the key to opening one’s personal life to the public.
We have long given up the idea of joint family and jointly held wealth. Today, when there aren’t many kingdoms, farms and businesses to split and share, it might help to keep finances private and independent, without the shadow of entitlement and envy spoiling it for everyone.
The Author IS CHAIRPERSON, CENTRE FOR INVESTMENT EDUCATION AND LEARNING